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If we may believe our logicians, man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter - Joseph Addison.
Some excerpts from an interview with Malaclypse the Younger.
Interviewer: Are you really serious or what?
Malaclypse: Sometimes I take humor seriously. Sometimes I take seriousness humorously. Either way it is irrelevant.
Interviewer: Maybe you are just crazy.
Malaclypse : Indeed! But do not reject these teaching as false because I am crazy. The reason that I am crazy is because they are true.
Interviewer:: Is Eris true?
Malaclypse : Everything is true.
Interviewer: Even false things?
Malaclypse : Even false things are true.
Interviewer: How can that be?
Malaclypse : I don't know man, I didn't do it.
Interviewer: Why do you deal with so many negatives?
Malaclypse : To dissolve them.
Interviewer: Will you develop that point?
Malaclypse : No.
Interviewer: Is there an essential meaning behind POEE?
Malaclypse : There is a Zen Story about a student who asked a Master to explain the meaning of Buddhism. The Master's reply was "Three pounds of flax."
Interviewer: Is that the answer to my question?
Malaclypse : No, of course not. That is just illustrative. The answer to your question is FIVE TONS OF FLAX!
A thief and theologian decided to escape from the prison.
As the thief climbed over the wall, the gaurd heard some rattling. "Who is there?". "Meow," said the thief, imitating a cat, and passed safely.
up came the theologian and again the gaurd heard some noise. "Who is there?". "Just another cat !" answered the theologian .
A new transcript sign was put in front of the school, it read: "Drive Slowly Do Not Kill a Student". The following day there was another sign under it scribbled in a childish writing:"Wait For a Teacher"
Little Ernie goes up to his father after school one day. "Dad," says Ernie, "the teacher started talking about Economics and I didn't understand a thing."

"Well," says his Father thinking for a moment. "Put it this way. In this household, I bring in the money, so I am the capital. Your Mom does the housekeeping, that is management. The maid does the work - she is labor. And your baby brother, well, he is the future."

Little Ernie wakes up in the middle of the night when his brother screams to have his diapers changed. Ernie goes to his parents' room to find his mother fast asleep. He then goes to the maid's room to find his father making love to the maid. So he changes the diapers himself.
As he gets back into bed Little Ernie reflects, "Now I understand economics. Management is alseep, capital is screwing labor and the future stinks."
Mulla Nasrudin used to say:
"It is easy to understand the truth of the recent report that says that the children of today cry more and behave worse than the children of a generation ago.
BECAUSE THOSE WERE NOT CHILDREN -- THEY WERE US."
The jealous husband hires a detective to find out if his wife betrays him. After a few days the detective comes back with a movie showing his wife and his best friend swimming, dancing, making love, having fun. while watching the movie the husband keeps saying, "i can't believe it! i can't believe it!".
"But," says the detective, annoyed. "I,m giving you the proof of it!".
"No, it's not that," replies the husband, &quo"No, it's not that," replies the husband, "I just can't believe someone can have so much fun with my wife!"
“Nobody is here to fulfill your dream. Everybody is here to fulfill his own destiny, his own reality” "Love and hatred are the same" - osho
some dialogues taken from the MATRIX Trilogy film:S m i t h

Smith: I'd like to share a revelation during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague, and we are the cure.

Smith: Can you feel it, Mr. Anderson, closing in on you? Well, I can. I really should thank you for it, after all, it was your life that taught me the purpose of all life. The purpose of life is to end.

Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson, why? Why, why do you do it? Why, why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something, for more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is, do you even know? Is it freedom or truth, perhaps peace - could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception. Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself. Although, only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson, you must know it by now! You can't win, it's pointless to keep fighting! Why, Mr. Anderson, why, why do you persist?
Neo: Because I choose to.Neo Morpheus: Everything begins with choice.
Merovingian: No. Wrong. Choice is an illusion, created between those with power, and those without.

Neo: But if you already know, how can I make a choice?
Oracle: Because you didn't come here to make the choice, you've already made it. You're here to try to understand why you made it.
Philosophy is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat.
Metaphysics is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat that isn't there.
Theology is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat that isn't Theology is like being iTheology is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat that isn't Theology is like being in a dark room and looking for a black cat that isn't there and shouting “I found it!”
Some excerpts from an Osho's speach about individuality:
Individuality is given by existence; personality is imposed by the society. Personality is social convenience. Society cannot tolerate individuality, because individuality will not follow like a sheep.

Individuality has the quality of the lion; the lion moves alone. The sheep are always in the crowd, hoping that being in the crowd will feel cozy. Being in the crowd one feels more protected, secure. If somebody attacks, there is every possibility in a crowd to save yourself. But alone? - only the lions move alone. And every one of you is born a lion, but the society goes on conditioning you, programming your mind as a sheep.Osho

It gives you a personality, a cozy personality, nice, very convenient, very obedient. Society It gives you a personality, a cozy personality, nice, very convenient, very obedient. Society wants slaves, not people who are absolutely dedicated to freedom. Society wants slaves because all the vested interests want obedience.
Taken from oshoWorld.com: Gautam Buddha is entering a village. On the boundary there is a river, and in the sand a few children are playing, making castles of sand, and they were very serious. If somebody, there were many children, if somebody disturbed somebody's castle... It is very easy to disturb a sandcastle, just throw a stone at it and it is gone.

They were shouting and being angry at each other, and Buddha stood there, watching. Then it was time for the sun to set and their mothers called them from nearby houses, `Come back home, it is time for your supper.' And they all jumped on their own castles, the ones they had made and for which they were fighting that nobody should disturb them. They jumped on their own castles and never looked back, simply went home. Buddha said to his disciples who were with him, "Life is not much more than this." All your seriousness is about sandcastles. And you yourself will leave them one day, trampling them down, and you will not look back. The people who take it seriously miss the beauty of playfulness.
6yr oldboy to 4yr oldboy: Dude,I found a condom in the balcony.
4yr old boy: What's a balcony?
A definition of a masochist and a sadist:
A masochist says: “Beat me, whip me, put me in chain.”
A sadist says: “No, I won’t.”
MURPHY'S LAWS ill be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
3. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Charlie is taking his out-of-town pal for a stroll through the city. The friend observes a good looking girl and asks Charlie if he knows here.
“Yes, that’s Betty. Twenty dollars.”
“How about that one?”
“That’s Pinky. Forty dollars.”
“Here comes one that is really first class.” Do you know here?”
“That’s Gloria, Eighty dollars.”
“My god, aren’t there any nice, respectable girls in this town?”
“Of course, but you couldn’t afford their rates.”
Father Ferrucio and Father Messina are sitting in a grotto chatting.
“Do you think the pope will ever allow priests to marry?” asks Father Ferrucio.
“It won’t happen in our time,” replies Father Messina.
“May be in our children’s.”
A pretty young woman steps onto a crowded streetcar, and seeing that all the seats are taken she asks, “Would one of you gentlemen make room for a pregnant woman?”
A middle-aged man quickly stands up and gives her his seat. After she is seated he solicitously asks her. “How long have you been pregnant?”
“About fifteen minutes, and god, am I tired!”
< The famous Chicken Littlesage seems to be fast asleep. Nearby sit some of his followers. They carry on a whispered conversation about the sage’s unparalleled virtues.
“What generosity!” exclaims one. “There isn’t another one like him in all the land.”
“And his piety is without limit!” exclaims a second.
“And his educations!” cries a third. “He’s a real genius.”
“And his patience! He never gets excited.”
They fall silent for a minute. Whereupon the sage slowly opens one eye and says, “And you don’t even mention my modesty!”
Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”
“274” is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man. “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday,” relies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”
“Nine,” says the third man.
“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”
“Simple” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”
Dilbert Quotes 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry, from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
 Silverman is killed in an accident and Mendel Kravitz is sent to break the news to his wife.A l a d d i n
“Be careful how you tell her,” advises a friend.
“She is a very delicate woman.”
Mendel knocks on the door and Mrs.Silverman comes out. ”Are you the widow of Silverman?” he asks.
“Certainly not,” she replies.
“Wanna bet?” asks Mendel.
Every month St. Peter and Lucifer meet to divide the newly arrived souls between them.
“What is your name?” St. Peter asks.
“Karl Marx,” replies a white-beard soul.
“Ah! You are an atheist. Therefore you will be going to hell.”
The next month, to St. Peter’s great amazement, Lucifer is late. This had never happened before. After a few hours Lucifer arrives in a horrible state – one of his horns broken, his tail is burnt, his complexion is pale.
“What is the matter with you?” St. Peter asks.
“Oh my God!” That Marx, you know? He has created fucking hell! He began by complaining that it was too hot, and then that there was not enough air and then that the place was unhealthy. To make a long story short, after a few strikes, protests and demonstrations, I had to follow air conditioning, massages in the breaks between torture sessions, thermostats to keep the eating system under control! Peter, I am at a loss. Help me! Could you take care of him for the next month to give me some space?”
“What! Marx in heaven! Have you gone crazy on what?”
“Do it for my sake, Peter! Remember, we have been friends for eternity!”
“But I just cannot!” replies St. Peter. “Marx amongst all the angels and saints! Can you imagine it?”
“One month only, Peter, please.”
“Well, okay. Just because you are my friend I will keep him but for one month only!”
Next month St. Peter and Lucifer are both punctual. Lucifer eagerly asks, “So, Peter, how are things going?”
“Oh, fine thanks, Lucifer.”
“Fine? What about Marx?”
“Oh, that Marx! Nice chap!”
“You mean he did not raise any protest?”
“Oh never! We had many pleasant discussions together. He is a cultured man.”
“Indeed? But what does God say?”
“Oh, come on, Lucifer, You know God doesn’t exist!”
One day when I was small, I came running home, very proud, exhibiting a book which I had got as reward.
My mother asked me, ”However did you do that? How did you get it?”
I said to her,” The teacher asked how many legs an ostrich has – I said three.”
“But an ostrich has only two legs,” my mother said.
I said,” Well, all the rest of the class said four.”

Little Pierino comes home from school with a big smile on his face.
“Well, dear, you look very happy. So you like school, do you?”
“Don’t be silly, mom,” replies the boy. “We must not confuse the going with the coming back!”.
Oxymoron list
10.Silent Scream
9.Living Dead
8.Same Difference
 7.Taped Live
6.Plastic Glasses
5.Pretty Ugly		 4.Working Vacation
3.Tax Return
2.Virtual Reality 1.Microsoft Works

Dilbert Quotes
All of your co-workers are fools. You must learn to pity and tolerate them.
An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes; Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
Everything is either true or untrue, or both true and untrue, or neither true nor untrue: this is the teaching of the Buddha
 
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